All the News that’s fit to print….and make you go WTF?!?!?…

As I sat between medication doses ( side note: are they SUPPOSED to use blow guns to administer meds nowdays? ), and try to figure out how to get the trademark for my just created “Medicine on the bottom pudding cups”, I managed to do three things…

1. Get one of my arms out of this sweater they gave me that straps in the back and makes me give myself constant hugs…

2. Catch up on current news from around the nation with the smartphone I smuggled into…well, it doesn’t matter where I am…let’s just say there are ALOT of happy people here…nuff said.

3. Found myself wondering what the hell is wrong with folks…as observed in the following actual headlines from various sources.

I’ve decided to add my own few cents on each one…feel free to add yours...and remember, I didn't make any of these up...they're all real (which makes it even worse ).


• “Congressional Candidate Wants To Deport Latino Farmworkers, Bus Blacks To Pick Crops”
Now the saddest part is this guy actually had the support of the Republican Party until he said this for the THIRD time, you know they were like “Ummm, look here Bobby…we may THINK it, but we don’t say it….at least around other folks.”

• “Beauty Supply Store Owner Killed During Heist Involving 80 Bags of Premium Yaki weave”
Guess the bootleg dude will be having that right next to the dvd’s and cd’s now…sigh…but seriously, these fools went in there JUST to hit up the phony pony’s? Were they gonna post up outside the Bonner Brothers hairshow and try to scalp them? (pun intended)
I hope they get caught so they can be in jail trying to look hard until they have to tell why they in…
Inmate 1: “So what ya’ll in for?
Inmate 2: “Armed Robbery and Kidnapping”
Inmate 3: “3 counts of Arson”
Inmate 4: “Felonious larceny of premium weave products…”
--silence—
Inmate 1: “Wait…what?”

• “Thousands of teachers in California now find themselves jobless after layoff notices were issued to 19,000 throughout the school district.”
Yeah, that makes sense…make the next generations lack the education to read, write and speak properly, we should expect better from the state that has a governor that…wait, ummm, nevermind… (I’ll wait)

• “Bill Cosby To Russell Simmons “Get The F*ck Out Of My Face!”
Visualize that in your mind right now and tell me if you don’t start laughing at the thought of “Mr. Pudding Pop” getting Gangster with Russell…go ahead…

• “New Study Shows 91% Of White NCAA Players Graduate, While Blacks Only Have 59% Graduation Rate”
That’s because that 59% had families that wanted their kids prepared for the world, and weren’t more concerned about pimping their kid like he was on the corner wearing heels and daisy dukes in the middle of winter…imjussayin…
We need to stop promoting that athletics and music are the best ways out for our future generations, and start promoting education. Make the MOST out of that scholarship you get, by not doing that it’s like getting a free Maybach and choosing to ride a bike everyday.

• “Designer Shoes Made Out Of Real Life Horse Feet For Sale For Those Willing To Pay 2K”
WTF??? Really??? Has “Fashion” come to this? In that case, just pass me by with that bullsh*t… Funniest part is that I bet you by next summer someone will be wearing some bootleg version of these, and swearing they cute…

• “Multitasking and crosswalks a risky mix for elderly”
Hell, it’s risky for NON-elderly, but moreso for them cuz real talk, they can barely drive as it is. But wait…I wanna know who got paid to do this research, cuz this seemed like some “NO SH*T” kind of thing…let me know when they do the study that shows that elderly+big azz Lincolns and Caddys’+Blue Blocker sunglasses is a risky mix, I’ll cosign that all day.

• “Rising food prices could drive up rates of hunger”
Wow…guess it took more research money to figure this one out. Of course it’s gonna raise hunger when folks like me have to decide on gas to get to work or eating for the day, or when the only “eating out” you do is when you sit on the porch with your Spam sandwich and Ramen Noodles. How about spending some of this money folks are wasting on “No Sh*t” studies and ummm, I don’t know….maybe FEED SOME DAMN PEOPLE!!!!

• “$5 ATM fees coming our way?”
So it’s gonna cost me more to get my OWN MONEY than all the interest I earned on that same money in the past 6 months? I swear the bank folks are on better drugs than I am…

• “Mom sues pre-school for $19,000.00 tuition back after 4 year old “only taught shapes and colors”
Hey Mommy Dearest…She’s only fukking 4 YEARS OLD!!!! Did you expect her to come out spitting Socrates, having elaborate discussions on the geo-political climate of the middle east, and doing advanced quantum physics? Be happy she’s not smart enough yet to know her mommy is an idiot that blew some peoples yearly salary after taxes on a damn PRESCHOOL. Don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll have plenty of time to talk about it in the therapy sessions that are sure to come in the future.

• “Teen creator of “Note to God” phone application in coma”
I hope he recovers…but I will say this…. “Prayer: There’s no app for that”

• “Dayton police nab accused bank robber fleeing on city bus”
It’s a damn shame when you cant even buy the gas for your car to do a decent getaway, but then again with gas prices as high as they are…that’s probably what he was getting the money for...or food.

• “Man apologizes for shining laser into police helicopter”
Follow-up news story..
“Police apologize for shoving laser pointer up dumb-azz residents azz”

Ok…I’m out for now, but I’ll be back as soon as I get these nice guys in the sparkly white coats to believe that I have a nervous condition that made me give the last pyschol, ummm, I mean…gentleman I talked to repeated rugby-style headbutts while I screamed “Yahtzee!!!!”

Until then, Love Live and Laugh…..even if it does mean you have to say “Fukk it” first…

Gotta go, they got those damn dart guns ou………..